Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Waiting for news of the neckbeard...

Does anyone have visual evidence that our boy has finally shaved his neckbeard after the loss? Until we know for sure, we must fight on.

While we wait, I've decided to create a piece of "fan fiction" starring the one and only, Detective Kyle Orton.

Here is the first installment. Pics via Deadspin.

The Rookie on the Squad: Detective Orton Meets his Match

Chapter 1: Sgt. Smith’s Office


There’s only one man who instills the fear of God in me, and that’s Sgt. Smith. When he yells, he means business. And I come running.

“Yeah Sarge?”

“What in the hell were you thinking out there today?”

“Whaddya mean?”

“Whaddya mean, what do I mean? You completely overshot that perp with your ill-advised gunfire and severely injured a pedestrian!”

Technically Sarge is right, but it’s not like I have a ton of experience. I mean, he stuck me in a rough position, and I have to make judgment calls all the time. Now how am I supposed to succeed without any training? What, does he just expect me to know how to aim and hit my target? Ridiculous.

“Yeah I know, Sarge. It won’t happen again.”

“If it does, I’ll have your badge. Detective Grossman is just itching to bump you back to traffic patrol. Now get the hell outta my face!”

The thing is, I’m young. I’m inexperienced. I’m what they call, “rough around the edges.” But I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a couple injured pedestrians stand in my way. Besides, I’ve been making some big strides in my rookie year on the force. I’ve nabbed a bunch of perps so far. Way more than any of the other rooks out here. Granted, I’ve had a lot of help, but hey, those assholes are wearing orange jumpsuits and my name’s on the arrest sheet.

Sergeant Smith. What a dick. He knows this hasn’t been easy. He knows I’ve been trying my best. Hell, I even grew a beard so I wouldn’t look like the new kid on the squad. But what does he do? Threatens me with that pudgy-faced canker sore, Grossman. What the hell has ever done? Far as I can tell, not much. Sure, he’s got a ton of potential, but so do I. I seem to recall my name being up there on the Academy’s list of award nominees back in the day.

Whatever, all I can do is keep on keepin’ on. When life gives you lemons, make a good, strong batch of Lynchburg Lemonade. That’s’ what I always say.

To be continued...