Friday, January 20, 2006

The Curse of the Neckbeard...

They say you shouldn't kick a man while he's down. Then again, they also say you shouldn't willingly make yourself look like a half-retarded Wookie. I really thought this problem would just kind of fade away after the Bears broke their winning streak. Then, I figured it might disappear when Orton lost his job as the starting quarterback. I thought my job was done. Unfortunately, I couldn't have been more wrong.

In fact, despite my best efforts, the problem appears to have gotten worse. Much worse. Some might even say that, like a disgusting, hairy voodoo doll, the neckbeard cursed the Bears' postseason hopes. That's right, I said it. No longer is the neckbeard a good luck charm. No. Rather, it is the very reason the Bears lost to the Carolina Panthers. Sure, you might argue that they lost because Peanut Tillman couldn't cover Steve Smith, but you'd be wrong. Make no mistake - the neckbeard caused this, and it's time for it to go. Grab your torches and pitchforks, Chicago. It's time to gather a good, ol' fashioned posse, and go bang down the door of the beast.

Neckbeard, your reign of terror's about to end.

Orton, in an almost hypnotic trance, cursing the Bears' postseason.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Redirecting my focus...

I don't think anyone really cares about a backup QB's facial/neck-hair situation, so I'm throwing in the Barbasol-covered towel. Now that Rex Grossman has officially been appointed the Bears' starting quarterback and second coming of Christ, I've decided to focus my energy elsewhere. Namely, my beloved Cubbies.

Check out my latest joint, Disciples of Doug Dascenzo, where you're always guaranteed at least 30% more Dascenzo than the leading brand.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Waiting for news of the neckbeard...

Does anyone have visual evidence that our boy has finally shaved his neckbeard after the loss? Until we know for sure, we must fight on.

While we wait, I've decided to create a piece of "fan fiction" starring the one and only, Detective Kyle Orton.

Here is the first installment. Pics via Deadspin.

The Rookie on the Squad: Detective Orton Meets his Match

Chapter 1: Sgt. Smith’s Office


There’s only one man who instills the fear of God in me, and that’s Sgt. Smith. When he yells, he means business. And I come running.

“Yeah Sarge?”

“What in the hell were you thinking out there today?”

“Whaddya mean?”

“Whaddya mean, what do I mean? You completely overshot that perp with your ill-advised gunfire and severely injured a pedestrian!”

Technically Sarge is right, but it’s not like I have a ton of experience. I mean, he stuck me in a rough position, and I have to make judgment calls all the time. Now how am I supposed to succeed without any training? What, does he just expect me to know how to aim and hit my target? Ridiculous.

“Yeah I know, Sarge. It won’t happen again.”

“If it does, I’ll have your badge. Detective Grossman is just itching to bump you back to traffic patrol. Now get the hell outta my face!”

The thing is, I’m young. I’m inexperienced. I’m what they call, “rough around the edges.” But I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a couple injured pedestrians stand in my way. Besides, I’ve been making some big strides in my rookie year on the force. I’ve nabbed a bunch of perps so far. Way more than any of the other rooks out here. Granted, I’ve had a lot of help, but hey, those assholes are wearing orange jumpsuits and my name’s on the arrest sheet.

Sergeant Smith. What a dick. He knows this hasn’t been easy. He knows I’ve been trying my best. Hell, I even grew a beard so I wouldn’t look like the new kid on the squad. But what does he do? Threatens me with that pudgy-faced canker sore, Grossman. What the hell has ever done? Far as I can tell, not much. Sure, he’s got a ton of potential, but so do I. I seem to recall my name being up there on the Academy’s list of award nominees back in the day.

Whatever, all I can do is keep on keepin’ on. When life gives you lemons, make a good, strong batch of Lynchburg Lemonade. That’s’ what I always say.

To be continued...

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Support the cause by wearing a Shave Kyle Orton thong!*

The Shave Kyle Orton store is now open for business. Let me just say, I have no idea what the legal ramifications of this are or whether the products will even look decent, but man, they would make GREAT Christmas (or Hanukkah) presents.

*or a t-shirt, mug, or hat!

The neckbeard saw its shadow...

when the Bears beat the Packers on Sunday, which can only mean one thing - at least one more week of the ever-expanding neckbeard.

Orton acknowledges a group of neckbeard protesters.

Despite the promise of 7 more days of scraggly neckpubes, we cannot be discouraged, fellow Soldiers of Shave Orton. The mass media has decided to join our fight and promote the website/petition. It was featured in yesterday's Chicago Tribune as well as today's RedEye.

I'll leave you today with a few other neckbeard-wearers throughout history. Some of them have been bad, some have been good. I don't judge; I just observe.

A crazy Scientologist with a heart of gold...

A van-surfing, teenaged Lycanthrope and his old man...

16th Century scourge of Russia, Ivan the Terrible...

The always-entertaining Bo Bice...

And that guy who did the voice of Sinbad in "Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas" - ya know, what's-his-name.

Friday, December 02, 2005

It's got legs...

The movement is gaining momentum. From the land of thighs to Deadspin to WTMJ-4 in Milwaukee and everywhere in between, SOSO (Soldiers of Shave Orton) are voicing their opinions.

The latest Deadspin concoction is a screencap of Woody Paige, photoshopped to portray him supporting the revolution. I don't portend to believe that Woody Paige would ever join my cause, and frankly, I kind of hope he doesn't because he's generally a whole lotta douche. But, at least it looks like this is an issue the American people can really get behind and not forget about a month from now, unlike, say, genocide in Darfur.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

All publicity is good publicity...

Well, the Thighmaster, as well as the good folks over at Deadspin linked to the Shave Orton blog, but unfortunately were less than enthused about signing the petition. That's fine, if it brings any sort of public recognition to our plight then I say "Mission: Accomplished."

Together, we can stop the madness growing on Orton's neck and entering our living rooms every Sunday. Now is not the time to cut and run. Now is the time that we must hold true and remain steadfast on our course to a neckbeard-free America.

Unfortunately, the trend is starting to pick up steam. It was last seen on Survivor, and fellow (former) NFL quarterback, Gary Hogeboom.

Then, it was spotted on George Clooney...

No one's even thinking about the real victims in this whole mess - the children. My God, just think of the children. We need to stop this trend before it's too late.

Oh, ya know who else has scraggly neckbeards? Terrorists...

I'm not sayin,' I'm just sayin'...

Help us shave Kyle Orton's Neckbeard!

The American public has been subjected to the nastiness that is Kyle Orton's neckbeard for 7 weeks now, and the Mach3 stops here! No longer will we endure the hideous neckbeard on our 42" High Definition plasmas. No longer will we suffer the neverending torture that stems from the unkempt, unshaven scraggly hairs sprouting from Kyle Orton's neck.

No. We will force him to shave. Whether it is a loss to the Packers this Sunday or the successful coercion from this petition, he will shave it. Oh, yes, he will shave.